Welcome to the all-new Bugle website
Hello Buglers. And welcome to the all-new Bugle website, the unrelentingly official homepage of the world’s only and greatest audio newspaper for a visual world.
Following our split from Times Online, we are now an independent entity, floating through cyberspace like a meteor looking for the right planet to smash into. When we find that planet, we will smash. By which I mean, we are still looking for a long-term home for The Bugle. In the meantime, we will try to keep the podcast going as long as possible.
To that end, if you have enjoyed some or all of the 120 hours of Bugle we and Times Online have given you free of charge, and want to contribute some of your hard-earned, easy-earned or unearned money to help fund The Bugle, please click the ‘Support The Show’ button on this page. In return, you will receive:
(a) the eternal satisfaction of having helped #savethebugle;
(b) the eternal gratitude of Smurfs star John Oliver, and Andy Zaltzman, who has never appeared in any Smurfs production;
(c) the legal right to tell your friends and loved-ones about The Bugle (terms and conditions apply); and
(d) something a bit more concrete, at some point, if and when we sort out The Bugle’s long-term future.
If you have never listened to or heard of The Bugle, or have listened to it but have hated every second of it, please give your money to a worthier cause, or hoard it under your floorboards in case Armageddon happens sooner than widely predicted.
With the kindest of all possible regards,
Andy Zaltzman and Andy Zaltzman p.p. John Oliver
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I just donated to your cause – does that mean I now own parts of you both – if so, which parts? Or do I have some type of editorial oversight – such as perhaps limiting the amount of puns Andy can spout off in a calendar year, or being able to sell John’s soul-disturbing vocals on iTunes? You’re now giving the power to the people, making the Bugle a capitalist-based system of democracy – are you ready for our vote for more Florence Nightingale and Berlusconi penises (not that Florence Nightingale has a penis, but that’s an interesting image wrapped in a poorly written sentence)? Or do we just get to participate with a hearty “F*ck You, Chris,” and be on our way, with a condescending pat on the head and a thank you? Well, then F*ck You, Chris! F*ck, F*ck, F*ck You, Chris! (oh, and nice job with the switchover, by the way).
Best of luck with your new site and looking forward to listening as long as there are dictators to f*ckulogize, royal weddings to be celebrated, and news to be satirized.
Top quality website chaps (well, just Andy) and you can count on a donation from me. I expect my five dollars will fund at least a years’ worth of Bugles.
Also, have you considered breaking into the BBC and stealing some of their TV licence money?
Me and the lads had a bit of a whip round and put some money in the pot. It’s what da’ would’ve wanted.
Shine on your crazy diamonds.
I want you two inside me. Except you Chris. Fuck you, Chris (but not literally).
If you dare limit the amount of puns, I will reach through these tubes and, so help me God… Where’s my wallet? We’ll see who owns how much of whichever parts!
Whilst I have no ideological objections to handing over my half-arsed earned cash-money to keep the Bugle going, I think that before hand I need some kind of legal disclaimer (Andy get the wife on this) to ensure that the money goes to the right place. Basically, I want your written and legally binding assurance that my money will not go towards funding of:
A) ANY film project that involves John Oliver in any way shape or form .
B) Will not be used to send Andy off on a fucking cricket jolly or be funnelled into any of his non-Bugle related bullshit spewing activities.
C) Will go no where near that Chris guy – he just comes across as being a corrupt and untrustworthy character in general. So fuck him.
I don’t feel I can donate until you put my mind at ease. Do this, and I will happily give you the aforementioned cash-money.
I’m popping my internet online banking cherry for you guys…. it doesn’t mean we have to get married though…. #longlivethebugle
I just made a donation. Can some of it be spent on a haircut for Andy (I love your puns, more please)?
I’m running out of archives. Which means one of only two things.
1) I have too much time on my hands.
2) We need more Bugle.
Like Darwin did so long ago on his journey around the globe on that nearly homophonic sloop, The Bugle changes how we all think about the world. Let’s keep the wit flowing, no matter the puns.
Sincerely.
p.s. fuck you, Chris.
Hmmmm…. Needs more puns….
Great new site guys (Fu*k you though Chris)! I have donated and now demand 20% more Pippa! Also the restoration of the hotties from history ! Until then Bugle on!
Note to Capitano Schettino:
This is how to conduct yourself when you hit the rocks – follow The Bugle’s example and stay aboard to co-ordinate the rescue next time. Keep up the good work, fellas (and Chris). Best wishes.
Of course I’ll donate to the Bugle. You’ve made me laugh for 4 years. You’ve also helped me decorate the interior of my car with violently-sprayed soda (which I was drinking just as John started his timeless performance of “Silent Night”), expanded my appreciation of the natural world (the cockchafer, cannibal polar bears, and David Attenborough’s dictator and Ferrari documentaries), and kept me up to date on parts of the news I otherwise might have missed (we don’t get much reporting about graffiti wangs here in Wisconsin). Plus, I now know the hottest gift items available on Amazon! Time for me (and all the Bugle’s other friends) to return the favor. Best of luck, Andy, John and Chris. Long may you Bugle!
@W.Sweeney: no, it’s like shares. If the bugle has raised a total of £1,000 and you gave £50 you would own 5% of John AND Andy OR 10% of Andy (nobody would chose John) OR 100% of Chris (he’s worth peanuts, but uses a sh*t load of cocaine, so this option is recommended mainly for drug dealers)
Now, Mr Bugles, ow much monies wish you for? £6,000,0000,000,000? sure, no problem! SAVE THE BUGLE! Maybe that’s why the banks went bust-the bankers could see the future and knew that the world could not live without bugles, so tried to donate trillions of dollars but the website had yet to exist so the money exploded upon contact. Hmmm…I wonder…
Is 20 GBP enough? What is that, about 10,000 USD? And that satisfies the currency exchange rate joke quota. Now I’ll just add a quip insulting the French futbol team and a few one-liners about the demise of a despised dictator, and there’s the script!
Just donated 20 pounds. don’t know how much that is in real money.
Wow – a website that is both pleasing to the eye and usable. I’m guessing that neither Andy or John had anything to do with it?
Good luck with the future – I’m off to donate.
Beep you Chris.
ps glad to see you keeping the bleeps in the podcast despite not having too – stick with tradition.
Just donated a tenner. Would have given more had I been allowed to go ahead with the sale of Saddam’s arse. Still, there may be more as Gaddafi’s nipples are looking to go like hotcakes on ebay.
Arse Saddam Aleikum,
Spud
Have just made my donation, chaps. If it ever comes to it, you are always welcome to make fuckyouchris.com your permanent home; it is, after all, the unofficial official website of The Bugle, and now in it’s second year!
Kind regards,
Tom
CEO & Founder
FuckYouChris.com
Ah, so now I have an email address to send those legal docs. Thanks Tom!
I have finally made a donation but I couldn’t work out how to apply gift aid to it. If my taxes aren’t spent on The Bugle they’ll just be squandered by some jokers.
The monikers on the comments so far seem to indicate that the majority of Buglers are male…WTF is up with that?! Where are the lady listeners?? Aside from me and a few ambiguously abbreviatedly named commenters, that is. Well, moving on…this Bugler is a mum-of-three who’s been living in Bangkok since 2001 and laughing thanks to the Bugle (and Answer Me This) since 2009. I’ll happily contribute some dosh to help y’all keep on bugling. Rock on, gents!
Like the blog
You’re not alone Lyle. I am a female one, but very old, 68. Hope my age doesn’t creep the other buglers out. (Nah! I don’t really care.) I promise, I don’t like everything the boys do; but there’s so much going on that I certainly have enough jokes from which to pick my favorites. I don’t care for, and can’t make up puns, but do admire the ability in Andy.
Another ‘ahem’ lady here, John you dick, I wanted to marry you & look what you’ve gone & done! Just out of curiosity, where does your wife live, work, vacation, get her hair done? Andy I love you & sis, have all podcasts of Bugle & Answer Me This! I LOVE your hair, don’t ever change- I want to see it when it’s gray! Chris, how ever did you get the thankless job of ‘voice of reason’ in this bullshit storm – what a trooper! Just want to ask for a picture of John’s dog – he sounds like a true Bugler… Sorry I missed you in NY – come back again would you? Favorite Bugle lately has got to be “Lady News”. You guys pointing out absurdity to all the dumbasses is a wonderful humanitarian effort. By the way I’m older than that other b’yatch! I win! Swear & Pun away!
I had been pondering the merits of going to see Andy on his New York standups, except that I couldn’t remember the times or locations, or indeed WHY I wanted to go. Maybe we have something in common Andy?
Anyway a few days later my wife came home from seeing Cynthia Nixon in “Wit”. As she was telling me about the show (it’s about someone with terminal cancer) she is expounding about the great acting and finishes with “it must be really hard dying every night”. Somehow, just then I remembered when, where and why I wanted to see Andy in stand-up. Coincidence?
More Dictators. I’m in.
Will you update us periodically when more donations are needed? And not to the crap like Zaltzman’s daughters’ charities, but important things like keeping the flow of bullshit going?
We will. In fact, there’s news in Bugle 199!
Hey, how about you fellas send an audio face-slap in the direction of Googoosha (Gulnara Karimova) and her dictator-twat-of-the-year daddy, Islam Karimov (ruler of Uzbekistan). What a truly beautiful family they are: just like that lovely Hussein family who’ve recently moved out of Iraq, the Karimovs are a bunch of unreconstructed despots, with the father executing opponents in ever-more medieval ways (such as boiling alive) and the daughter playing around with whatever part of the poor benighted country’s government takes her fancy (permanent representative to the UN? Check. Ambassador to Spain? Check. Professor of Political Science at Tashkent University? You bet.).
Now Madamoiselle Karimov has designs on fame in the West, and you my friends have to stop her. No longer content with simply being the most overindulged woman in the whole of Central Asia, she’s now using some of the money her daddy acquired through murder and forced child labour to build a singing career in the States. Apparently the Uzbek government has bankrolled a massive publicity drive in the States to promote Gulnara (or Googoosha as she’s known) as a pop star. You can see her smug, airbrushed face on billboards across New York and elsewhere. ‘Is this the face of the next Madonna?’ her website asks. No. It’s Uday Hussein with a vagina, and she has to be stopped.
Where’s my f****** bugle?!